I have a strange fantasy; is there something wrong with me?

This is the question that I so often get asked after the first session in therapy. Many folks, men or women, come into the counseling room and wonder; “why do I enjoy being choked?” or “I can only orgasm when I fantasize about…” Some of the fantasies are more taboo than the others such as the very common fantasy of fantasizing about having a threesome vs fantasizing about violent sex or sex with teens.  While I don’t have an easy answer as to the “why” nor do I wish to answer the right or wrong question it can be helpful to ask yourself a few simple questions to better understand your fantasies. And of course, you can always call me to set a counseling session up.


1.      Does your fantasy hurt your or someone else?

2.      Do you have consent?

3.      When did you start thinking of or imagining this fantasy?

4.      Have you experiences trauma that is related to your fantasy? (Example: many folks that have experiences sexual trauma like rape, fantasize about rape or raping others)

5.      Do you enjoy feeling as though you have total power or want very little power in your sexual relationship.


These questions can help guide greater understanding to why we fantasize about what we do, and how we can manage the fantasy.  The most recent research on sexual fantasy indicates that most people have fantasies at some point in their lives. While many may not disclose what those are, we know that it can be helpful and even bring greater passion into your relationship if you talk openly about them with your partner. If this feels too large a subject to bring up at home, schedule an appointment and get started.


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